Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
