remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
