Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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