I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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