I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Holy shit dude........stairs
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