Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
