well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
