Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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