i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You need a sexual gate keeper
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
