It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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