My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
