you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize