i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
