So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
