i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
