you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
