college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
