Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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