i don't plan on having that self control this summer
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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