On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
