HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
