So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
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Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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