Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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