Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
