yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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