RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
