Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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