I am midnight drunk by noon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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