Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
