just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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