im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
