It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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