I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
