Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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