I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
