I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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