The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
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So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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