so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
