mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
