ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
