How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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