My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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