FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
