Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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