I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
