hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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