a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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