Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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