Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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