all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
