My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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