I'm lost and stupid without you.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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