Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
