I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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