best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize